Play the True Blood Board Game!

SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t caught up on True Blood Season Four yet, you may want to wait before reading this.

That’s right, True Blood isn’t just a series anymore—now it’s an interactive board game the whole family can play (provided the family has a high tolerance for kinky sex, foul language and gore). Ready? Let’s play!

All right, maybe there’s not an actual board game yet, but keeping track of all the character developments and story arcs this season may make you long for the structure and simplicity of Monopoly to keep everything straight in your head.

I was worried about the season opener, frankly. Beginning with Sookie in Fairyland and then catching us up with all the other characters one year later—in addition to introducing new characters—made my brain overheat.Thank God the subsequent episodes began to sort out all the mayhem and gave me a chance to get organized.

Keep in mind I’m not expert and I haven’t read any of the books, which aren’t being adhered to word-for-word anyhow. And thank God for that. I read a couple of the Dexter books, and they’re pretty stoopid, so I’m grateful that the producers haven’t adapted their scenarios faithfully.

Anyhow, you know what they say about opinions…

1. The Fairy Story. Okay, we all know Sookie (Anna Paquin) is a fairy, which is why she’s so delicious to vampires. But the opening sequence was like something out of the Tom Cruise stinker Legend, and if you think just because Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) drank Sook’s Fairy Godmother, Claudine (Lara Pulver) that that’ll put an end to it, you’re betting on the wrong horse. Maybe Tim Curry will show up as Satan. We can only hope…

2. The Witches’ Story. At first the coven annoyed me, but when Marnie (Fiona Shaw) got possessed by some sort of powerful ancestor, turning Eric into a pussycat and Pamela (Kristen Bauer Van Stratten) into a walking corpse, it became more interesting. However, Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis), Jesus (Kevin Alejandro) and Tara (Rutina Wesley) are getting pretty ridiculous as the Greek Chorus reacting in eye-popping terror every time Marnie puts a curse on a vamp. Potentially interesting is what will happen to Jesus and Lafayette in Mexico with Jesus’ brujo grandfather. I think Lafayette will become a full-fledged witch, but Tara can stay in Nawleans with her g.f. as far as I’m concerned.

3. Sam and Tommy’s Story. Sam (Sam Trammell) has become involved with a Shifter support group and Tommy (Marshall Allman) has been taken in by Hoyt’s (Jim Parrack) mama after being shot by Sam. But Sam gets hot for Luna (Janina Gavankar), an exotic-looking member of the group who has produced an offspring with a werewolf. She also has special shifting powers—she can become not only animals but other humans as well.

Meanwhile Tommy goes home to his mother, thinking she’s finally ditched his horrible father, only to be betrayed by them and retaliating by putting their lights out permanently. Sam helps him to ditch their bodies in the swamp, so the brothers are reunited—but to what end? And if a Shifter can shift into anything he wants, why can’t he become a werewolf and fight the other werewolves? I predict there’ll be some sort of war between the Shifters and the werewolves, because Alcide (Joe Manganiello) is still hanging around, mostly doing errands for Sookie.

Speaking of Alcide, what is Sookie looking at in this picture?

4. Sookie, Bill and Eric’s Story. Sook’s maternal instincts are brought to the forefront now that Marnie’s curse has caused Eric to revert to a childlike innocence. She’s feeling protective, even considering having sexy times with him, which has been building up since the first season. However, Eric still has fantasies about drinking her delicious Fairy blood, and the spirit of his maker, Godric (Allan Hyde), keeps popping up to encourage him to do so. Sook also lies to Bill (Stephen Moyer), who has become the King of Lousiana after the true death of Russell Edgington, telling him that she has no idea where Eric is, even though he’s living right in her house in his specially-built crypt. Will Eric return to his old cold-blood ways? Will Bill save Sook again? Whatever happens will also involve the witches and possibly the werewolves.

5. Going Gay. We already know that Tara has gone to bat for the other team, but what about the others? Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire taught us that vamps are attracted to either sex because of their personality qualities, regardless of their equipment, and the ghost Godric gently strokes Eric’s cheek while urging him to drain Sook. However, Sam had a hot shower dream involving Bill last season, and this year Jason imagines sex with Jessica (Deborah Ann Wohl), only to have Hoyt (Jim Parrack)—ahem—pop up. And sharp-eyed viewers will have noticed that in season two the leader of the Fellowship of the Sun, Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan), was in a pay-per-view gay porn film that Sook saw an ad for on TV in Dallas, and in season four, it’s mentioned that he’s been missing for six months. My prediction? Newlin will reappear as a flamboyant fang-banger. He was already giving off Liberace vibes before.

But wait! There’s more! We’ve got the freaked-out Arlene (Carrie Preston) who thinks her newborn baby is possessed by her dead husband, and sheriff Andy Bellefluer (Chris Bauer) who is addicted to vampire blood. And Jason is now a panther, I guess.

Poor Hoyt and Jess are having marital problems. I’m glad that Jason has become connected to Jessica because the whole white trash shifter storyline is getting kind of dull.

We’re definitely up for some sort of apocalyptic climax. The final episode of the season is called “Burning Down the House,” so I imagine that refers to Sook’s homestead. It’ll be vamps versus witches, Shifters versus werewolves, or maybe a combination of all of the above. There’ll certainly be some sort of conflict between Bill and Eric over Sook. And Andy is either going to kill someone or be killed.

I just hope it avoids getting soapier. If that happens, I demand that Joan Collins and Linda Evans show up to have a bitch fight in the fountain in the town square.

One thought on “Play the True Blood Board Game!

  1. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for clarifying some of the more convoluted storylines. Despite its flaws, TRUE BLOOD must still be applauded for its true-to-life depiction of Louisiana.

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